Tuesday, December 7, 2010
My Free Time, Schooling, and Dreams...
People ask : Where have you been?
I answered : Working....
They ask again : Where...and what did you do....?
I replied : I became a writer and I taught college (math and logic circuits)...
Then they say (nodding) : Ah!
I get a lot of these lately: the nods, the questions, and of course the are-you-sure looks (as if I am not so sure of what I'm saying). It's been a while since I last entered the steps of my Alma Matter, and honestly--in as much as I am pleased to be back--I can't help but question other people's sincerity when they talk to me, or see me, walking along the corridors (and the surprise looks whenever I'd climb the stairs).
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Memory From The Past: Reposting Of My Last Article From My Aemilian Column UNSHACKLED
July 2010: Me and my friend Erika were
in the DJ’s booth waiting to go on air. As we did this we chatted in between
tips on entertaining our listeners’ messages and modulating voice. To help me
calm my nerves (I was a newbie on the booth), our topic shifted to my writing
job, our days as school paper staffer, and that one article she read back in
college that she liked very much…
Walking Home
I am, at last, home only to find myself waiting
outside our house for the rest of my family to arrive...
I came home pretty late today...
Earlier in Aemilianum, as my instructor called the
assigned reporter to start (class started at 3pm), my sister sent me a text
message informing me of the traffic building up at downtown. People have
gathered in the streets to watch the street dance – a part of the Sosogon
Festivities.
My class was only until 4pm. Since Prof. Ed. 9 is my only class during
weekdays, I usually come in fifteen minutes before class and leave immediately
after it. Today, however, due to the parade, I had to stay another hour in
school, hoping that by then traffic would be back to normal.
The "hour more" was spent wisely
conversing with Ms. Pacla regarding the novel I was working on (another story
to tell) and spending time with my dear girls from Jardin. By past 5 pm I
started out the doors of Aemilianum and luckily got a tricycle ride with the
driver suggesting to bring me straight to my destination instead of going to
downtown for the second ride home (downtown's traffic seems to be slow due to
the parade and the rain--which happened during that hour of wait i did).
I spent that hour wisely. I had a chance to talk with
Ms. Pacla regarding the novel I was working on; and also bond with my girls
from Jardin de Maria. By past 5pm I started to walk out the doors of my alma
matter and got lucky to get a tricycle ride which offered to bring me straight
to my destination (traffic was still slow at downtown).
The tricycle stopped at the end of the paved
road. From there I started walking my way towards home. I call it adventure.
There were more houses on the way compared to
when we first came here; just imagine how it was further ahead…where we built
our house. I finally came at the turn
where the gate to our compound is. This is the part where I needed to be extra
careful, not because it was rocky but because of the grass. They’ve already
grown after a month since they were last trimmed. But even then I still pray
that no snake would jump at me from nowhere. There were only a few steps and
our unfinished second floor was already within sight.
Between being careful with my steps, praying that
I won’t trip, and sweat forming on my forehead, the realization that no one might
be home yet hit me. We all did go out at the same time and surely traffic isn’t
going any faster in downtown. I don’t have the key to the door and there’s no
way I was going to walk back all that way especially since I just passed by the
area where they once found a snake. So I still went on. Just then a certain
scent filled the atmosphere.
I knew that scent well.
My mom’s perfume….
My mom was with me…
I know some may find it weird but I said hi. Ever since she died we always had
this feeling that she’s with us especially when that scent came strong. None of
us used that perfume. As an Ilocano tradition we sent it with her – a pabaon.
The scent faded as soon as I entered our gate. I
found the lights outside were on but (as expected) the windows closed.
Now I sit here…And between thoughts of wanting to
break the doors, planning to have my own set of keys, and wishing I had brought
with me a bottle of insect repellent, I write these lines:
I miss my mom!
I miss her everyday.....and God is good.....He allowed her to keep watch of us.....and He allowed us to have her as ourMother.....
God's kindness was shining on us....
He gave me that warning from my sister so as to
not get tied up in that messy traffic...
He gave me that extra time to talk to friends to
make my dream a reality...
And there was my mom...
Now my thoughts wandered off to my laptop inside
and my need to type what I just wrote in this scratch paper. But just like
TIME, CHANCES, and SERENDIPITY, all I can do is wait and hope that the next footsteps
I hear (the sound coming louder) are those of my loved ones with the key to the
door.....
Photo
by Gil Sages
Friday, November 26, 2010
First Attempt: For the Love of Haiku...
It started with a comment...then came the suggestion...
This is my first attempt for a haiku not to mention in Japanese Calligraphy. Thanks to the Midnight Writer and Sir Ben I found another interest to study (and I hope there will be a follow-up with this one) -- and a good tattoo design I wish to have (but take note in Henna since I can't imagine myself growing old with ink on my skin hehe). Comments and suggestions are welcome and are very much appreciated. I do hope I did good here (although this is not the traditional one). But in case there are indeed some correction then I'll gladly revise this one (and once I get to figure out how to write it in traditional jap calligraphy)...hehe...
This is my first attempt for a haiku not to mention in Japanese Calligraphy. Thanks to the Midnight Writer and Sir Ben I found another interest to study (and I hope there will be a follow-up with this one) -- and a good tattoo design I wish to have (but take note in Henna since I can't imagine myself growing old with ink on my skin hehe). Comments and suggestions are welcome and are very much appreciated. I do hope I did good here (although this is not the traditional one). But in case there are indeed some correction then I'll gladly revise this one (and once I get to figure out how to write it in traditional jap calligraphy)...hehe...
猫 は 9つの 命 を 持 つ...
cats having nine lives...
好 奇 心...
curiosity...
リ ス ク を 取 っ て...
taking risk...
と チ ャ ン ス を 取 っ て 相 次 い を 与 え ら れ て い る...
taking chances and being given one after another...
学 習...
learning...
失 っ て...
losing...
優 勝...
winning...
信 仰...
faith...
声 に 出 し て 考 え て...
thinking out loud...
可 能 性 を 考 え て...
thinking of the possibilities...
モ ノ づ く り が 起 こ る...
making things happen
類 似...
analogies...
す ご い ！ （ち ょ う ど ア イ デ ア）
wow! (just ideas)
cats having nine lives...
好 奇 心...
curiosity...
リ ス ク を 取 っ て...
taking risk...
と チ ャ ン ス を 取 っ て 相 次 い を 与 え ら れ て い る...
taking chances and being given one after another...
学 習...
learning...
失 っ て...
losing...
優 勝...
winning...
信 仰...
faith...
声 に 出 し て 考 え て...
thinking out loud...
可 能 性 を 考 え て...
thinking of the possibilities...
モ ノ づ く り が 起 こ る...
making things happen
類 似...
analogies...
す ご い ！ （ち ょ う ど ア イ デ ア）
wow! (just ideas)
*I would like to thank Google Translate for the help after being confused (this is my first to deal with Jap calligraphy) with translating….
Finding ME Again....
the past few weeks were somewhat enlightening. It seems as if time was revealing something that was already there right in front of me (actually instead of "revealing" I was thinking more of "slapping")--the answers to my long asked question. Time is indeed an ally....
I've finally decided to move on--from all the frustrations that made me lose confidence in myself. For years I've become somewhat a stranger to myself. It is only recently that I realized how I became a totally different person than who I was back then. It was true that pretending too much that you are someone (which I did to fit in the place I was in and please someone) will really make you that type of person ('till now--I realized how much I have degraded myself in the process). I needed to go back to who I was to correct my mistakes and to fully grow. It may take some time but at present all I can do is make a step.
sadness was filling me up all these years. Maybe that was the reason why I never had any suitors (at least sane ones). I always ended up attracting the wrong sorts of guys (I mean those who thought they can get the chance to prove their manhood through having "dinner and breakfast"--the "and" part was what I was worried about).
My brother (Jay) was right--if I want to catch the guy (with the qualities I was praying for), then I better start by making myself the girl that would equal him... God will give me someone perfect for me and in time He will...but I have to do my part and not just pray...
I was lonely though never alone but honestly changing my self back and better than before wasn't due to me not having that "someone"... It's all about loving myself. I realized that by being happy and loving me more then I may attract a lot of great things in life.
I need to move on from being broken...
...move on from being a kid...
Everything does happen for a reason...and this one is for me to learn that God made each of us special--and we should be grateful about it...
Friday, October 22, 2010
A Memory...Time...Acceptance and Letting Go... (part II)
Heal was the first...many followed....
Wanting to Get Over
I feel you...even if you're not there
and even you're with someone else
I still feel you loving me
I see you, in the corners of this lonely room
even though there's nothing here but gloom
hoping that someday you'll fill it too
refrain:
Would I be happy, if you decided to stay?
Should I feel sorry, for loving you this way?
chorus:
my eyes are dry from crying all those tears,
feeling sorry for the love I felt all these years,
but i have to let go
knowing you're heart's here no more
wanting to get over you
is the hardest thing to do.
In your arms, I felt magic of a love so strong
now there's nothing left for me to do
but to move on and face the truth
And it's hard, to mend pieces of a broken heart
but I know I'm gonna make it through
knowing I'm giving my best to forget you
refrain 2
Should I feel wiser, knowing I've done what's right?
Should I feel stronger, now that I'm saying goodbye?
chorus:
my eyes are dry from crying all those tears,
feeling sorry for the love I felt all these years,
but i have to let go
knowing you're heart's here no more
wanting to get over you
is the hardest thing to do.
and even you're with someone else
I still feel you loving me
I see you, in the corners of this lonely room
even though there's nothing here but gloom
hoping that someday you'll fill it too
refrain:
Would I be happy, if you decided to stay?
Should I feel sorry, for loving you this way?
chorus:
my eyes are dry from crying all those tears,
feeling sorry for the love I felt all these years,
but i have to let go
knowing you're heart's here no more
wanting to get over you
is the hardest thing to do.
In your arms, I felt magic of a love so strong
now there's nothing left for me to do
but to move on and face the truth
And it's hard, to mend pieces of a broken heart
but I know I'm gonna make it through
knowing I'm giving my best to forget you
refrain 2
Should I feel wiser, knowing I've done what's right?
Should I feel stronger, now that I'm saying goodbye?
chorus:
my eyes are dry from crying all those tears,
feeling sorry for the love I felt all these years,
but i have to let go
knowing you're heart's here no more
wanting to get over you
is the hardest thing to do.
A Memory...Time...Acceptance and Letting Go...
It's been a while....
I've been trying write something for this blog but the words can't seem to get out. A lot of things had happened that one may consider somewhat exciting. I'm still writing (that's something no one can dare take away), been a DJ, had sleep, got out for fun, and taught college students for their Algebra: in other words I had loads of stuff to do that boredom was "getting bored" of waiting for his turn...
I was completely busy....
And I was completely not thinking about him...
I had other things to worry about....until this week...
In the middle of computing grades, fixing articles. helping a friend with her project in MIT, thinking about taking MIT next semester, and wishing to play Rohan with a friend, the thought came back....
It's been years...the way I feel may not be the same as before whenever I see his pictures, yet the memories--I may not be holding them or maybe I'm just cherishing them so much--remind me of how I was hurt.
Accepting was hard yet it reminds us of how love should be given...UNSELFISHLY...Love is wise after all. Man was the only one foolish. He was my darkness and in time he let me shine bright--he made me light and he made me see another light from a distance (hope)....
For a memory that I love...
For the time that taught me well...
and for accepting the fact that at times the only way to say you love a person is by letting go....
I've been trying write something for this blog but the words can't seem to get out. A lot of things had happened that one may consider somewhat exciting. I'm still writing (that's something no one can dare take away), been a DJ, had sleep, got out for fun, and taught college students for their Algebra: in other words I had loads of stuff to do that boredom was "getting bored" of waiting for his turn...
I was completely busy....
And I was completely not thinking about him...
I had other things to worry about....until this week...
In the middle of computing grades, fixing articles. helping a friend with her project in MIT, thinking about taking MIT next semester, and wishing to play Rohan with a friend, the thought came back....
It's been years...the way I feel may not be the same as before whenever I see his pictures, yet the memories--I may not be holding them or maybe I'm just cherishing them so much--remind me of how I was hurt.
Accepting was hard yet it reminds us of how love should be given...UNSELFISHLY...Love is wise after all. Man was the only one foolish. He was my darkness and in time he let me shine bright--he made me light and he made me see another light from a distance (hope)....
For a memory that I love...
For the time that taught me well...
and for accepting the fact that at times the only way to say you love a person is by letting go....
Below is a song I composed with my sister. I was in my last year of college then and in the middle of making the project documentation for a digital scoreboard, I ended up writing this. It became famous among the high school students of ACI when my sister sang it on stage. She was in her third year of high school when she gave the melody. Up 'til now her classmates know the song's chorus....this is HEAL...
Heal
I
In every place I see your face smiling at me
I hear your voice sing with the wind calming my every chill
It's late at night and I feel sorry
for myself 'cause I know you're not here....
********
Now I look at the sky
wishing and hoping that somehow you'd come my way again
'Cause I just can't deny how much I love you
How I want you to stay
******
II
For every touch as I quiver feeling all the love
The gladness that lingers deep sending me high up above
I'm here again
praying for what wasn't there
********
Now I look at the sky
wishing and hoping that somehow you'd come my way again
'Cause I just can't deny how much I love you
How I want you to stay
******
How many sad songs must I hear to realize that you're not for me?
How may times do I have to face everyday without you near?
********
Now I look at the sky
wishing and hoping that somehow you'd come my way again
'Cause I just can't deny how much I love you
How I want you to stay
******
'Cause I'm here now
here without you
holing on to my faith
that my heart would heal someday....
This was the first of many songs....and its been a while 'till I was able to make again....
yup, it has been a while....
I
In every place I see your face smiling at me
I hear your voice sing with the wind calming my every chill
It's late at night and I feel sorry
for myself 'cause I know you're not here....
********
Now I look at the sky
wishing and hoping that somehow you'd come my way again
'Cause I just can't deny how much I love you
How I want you to stay
******
II
For every touch as I quiver feeling all the love
The gladness that lingers deep sending me high up above
I'm here again
praying for what wasn't there
********
Now I look at the sky
wishing and hoping that somehow you'd come my way again
'Cause I just can't deny how much I love you
How I want you to stay
******
How many sad songs must I hear to realize that you're not for me?
How may times do I have to face everyday without you near?
********
Now I look at the sky
wishing and hoping that somehow you'd come my way again
'Cause I just can't deny how much I love you
How I want you to stay
******
'Cause I'm here now
here without you
holing on to my faith
that my heart would heal someday....
This was the first of many songs....and its been a while 'till I was able to make again....
yup, it has been a while....
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Waiting...
I saw this poem while checking out "My Sassy Girl", the Korean version, in the internet. Reading it somehow reminded me of how much we wait for something to come back, hoping that it would ease the pain we felt brought by the emptiness of them not being there. But what if it didn't come back? are you still willing to wait for it?
God works in so many mysterious ways that what we somehow thought as we already know actually has more to unfold--at times they are just right under our noses, we're just too foolish looking afar rather than looking close by.
Waiting for something to come back may sometimes fool us. we keep on waiting for something familiar rather than expecting the unexpected. Things change but as we accept things no matter how painful they may be it is then that we realize that what what we waited for did come back only in a new form. cheers to happiness...
I'm waiting for the sky
to be blue again
I'm waiting for the smile
to come back again
Sometimes things are not
the way you planned
Sometimes they go wrong,
sometimes you can't stand...
The voice of the wind
tells me it is within
The roar of the air
gives me strength in despair
Oh, the sound of the trees
can make you fly off your feet
But the sound of silence
can make you see...
An angel of hope, can you see again?
The journey of life, can you live again?
A city of glory, can you feel again?
It's the spirit of love, can you love again?
to be blue again
I'm waiting for the smile
to come back again
Sometimes things are not
the way you planned
Sometimes they go wrong,
sometimes you can't stand...
The voice of the wind
tells me it is within
The roar of the air
gives me strength in despair
Oh, the sound of the trees
can make you fly off your feet
But the sound of silence
can make you see...
An angel of hope, can you see again?
The journey of life, can you live again?
A city of glory, can you feel again?
It's the spirit of love, can you love again?
Thursday, April 8, 2010
one step at a time
I really have no idea as to how I'll deal with the future. I've noticed that whenever I make plans for it, it usually ends up not as what I want. Organizing things at times seem to have been a waste of my time and effort especially when some sudden changes are needed to be made to cope up with the present situation--unexpected situations....
I will be living on my own next week and I honestly feel ambivalent about it. Firstly It's my first time, secondly I'll miss my dad, thirdly he'll be able to see more of the farm (someone's doing something fishy that production seemed to have been meddled wrongly), and lastly it's the mark that I am an adult (we'll I am however I grew up very well protected).
The last time I saw Clarissa I saw the worry on her face when I told her I have to climb the stairs to the third floor for my work. another worry factor was when I added the fact that I'll be moving and living in Legazpi on my own. My friends are not used to leaving me on my own. Out side my home they are my family's extension; they've protected me through and through.
I have plans but I've learned to expect the unexpected. Things don't usually come up the way we wished them to be. At first we may take the worst of it but at the long run we learn to accept it and see the beauty blossoming.
(sigh) I am worried and excited... and I know I can survive it. God is my light and His staff is my forstress...
Here's a toast to new beginnings and a new adventure....
Cheers....
I will be living on my own next week and I honestly feel ambivalent about it. Firstly It's my first time, secondly I'll miss my dad, thirdly he'll be able to see more of the farm (someone's doing something fishy that production seemed to have been meddled wrongly), and lastly it's the mark that I am an adult (we'll I am however I grew up very well protected).
The last time I saw Clarissa I saw the worry on her face when I told her I have to climb the stairs to the third floor for my work. another worry factor was when I added the fact that I'll be moving and living in Legazpi on my own. My friends are not used to leaving me on my own. Out side my home they are my family's extension; they've protected me through and through.
I have plans but I've learned to expect the unexpected. Things don't usually come up the way we wished them to be. At first we may take the worst of it but at the long run we learn to accept it and see the beauty blossoming.
(sigh) I am worried and excited... and I know I can survive it. God is my light and His staff is my forstress...
Here's a toast to new beginnings and a new adventure....
Cheers....
Friday, March 12, 2010
Taking Chances
there are times that we have to let go of something in order to gain more. it may hurt us in the process yet these are opportunities for us to grow and be the best person that we can be. moving forward may mean trekking the unknown but how will we find out the things ahead if we are not going to venture on? life may be unpredictable and chances are things may happen differently than what we wanted--then again things happen for a reason. it may be tough at times but lessons are learned more. Bravery is one trait measured by how we face reality yet hold on to our dreams.
taking chances at times are what's best...taking chances to love, to grow, and to tread the waters and see how vast the ocean is.....
actually i'm just gonna share a song by Celine Dion. A toast to moving on and taking chances....
taking chances at times are what's best...taking chances to love, to grow, and to tread the waters and see how vast the ocean is.....
actually i'm just gonna share a song by Celine Dion. A toast to moving on and taking chances....
TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE FULL TRAILER
Finally, after more than 24 hours in waiting it's fully released! here's the first full trailer to Twilight Saga's "Eclipse". check it out!!! (can't wait to see the film)
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Teaser Trailer to TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE
It's a good day and hopefully tomorrow will be better.
I started my evening (@ work) smiling but definitely not in the mood to write. I was thinking too much on stuff that concerns me, my family, and me again (not that I'm self centered or anything--just worried). I was feeling lousy 'till I saw something--a light in the darkness.
Today, March 10, 2010 the 10-second teaser to the trailer of the third Twilight installment "Eclipse" is out! ha! the full trailer will premier tomorrow....
A toast to better days ahead (I know this is so shallow but I just can't help it--GO ROBSTEN!)
Here's the said teaser...
@ Ate Ofie: better not miss this! Love you mwah!!!!!
I started my evening (@ work) smiling but definitely not in the mood to write. I was thinking too much on stuff that concerns me, my family, and me again (not that I'm self centered or anything--just worried). I was feeling lousy 'till I saw something--a light in the darkness.
Today, March 10, 2010 the 10-second teaser to the trailer of the third Twilight installment "Eclipse" is out! ha! the full trailer will premier tomorrow....
A toast to better days ahead (I know this is so shallow but I just can't help it--GO ROBSTEN!)
Here's the said teaser...
@ Ate Ofie: better not miss this! Love you mwah!!!!!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Understanding my brother's vanity
Understanding my brother’s vanity can sometimes be hilarious.
Firstly I am the eldest and therefore should be the role model.
Secondly I am the girl and therefore should be very conscious of my looks.
Thirdly I am the one with work and should therefore be more capable of buying and trying out products (I think it is but normal at my age not to mention).
So it was funny (and weird) enough for me to find a milk mask solution together with the lotion at our place in Sorsogon. At first I was thinking it was my sister's, but when I asked her she told me it was Jay's. Knowing how vain my brother was hearing this was not surprising at all (however I can't help myself but laugh that he had to go this far).
I was completely use to the fact that he's vanity kit is more packed with beautifying solutions from facial soaps to lotions to moisturizers to facial scrubs; take note they are more branded than mine. The milk mask was something new to me.
After learning that it was jay's, I tried it (ignorance can make a fool out of man and I don't want to be that fool). Feeding my curiosity I read the instructions and did what was stated. If there was something to describe the experience it was that it felt like I was placing PVA glue on my face. Doing this in front of the mirror was like watching "Art Attack".
So there I did it and I have to let it sit on my face for 10 to 20 minutes. While waiting the replay of American Idol was on so I just sat on the couch and watched the "dark horse" did that amazing belting (while I feel like a dork for putting that mask on).
After 10 minutes (I don't want to push on for 20).....
I returned to in front of the mirror and started peeling the mask off. Again if there was one thing to describe the feeling it was like removing a disguise those done in "Mission Impossible". After pasting--err--placing the gooey stuff on my face peeling it off was fun. After my face was cleared of it I must admit it was smoother.
Conclusions:
1.The product was effective.
2. The whole experience made me think of myself as someone crazy.
3. My brother is definitely vainer than I thought he was.
4. Good thing I never have much breakout on my face to need the milk mask--for that was the first and last.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
On being alone
I have no idea as to how long can a magnet hold on to the metal except for the fact that the hands of time waits patiently for it to happen.
Just like friendship, there are times that the closest of buddies needs to part ways. There are times that we may feel different about it but this is how the story goes in real life. We connect and eventually we let go. It is sad to part ways especially if the heart is involved but it is during these times that we learn about practicality and how to face reality.
It is up to us how we'll hold on to dear faith knowing that there are things ahead which are far greater than those we let go; lessons are but part of them. It is normal to say that denial is but part of it and giving in will eventually follow--accepting it! It is part of growth and we can't deny ourselves that.
I guess the least we can all do is to move on....
Q and A
There are things which we at times can't understand yet are meant to happen for a reason.
Lately, I must admit, going to work is looking forward to that one hour break where we have to turn off our computers and go to the pantry to have our Q and A sessions. It may have started just last week (or was it two weeks ago) but it is definitely one crazy ride. There are certain things that I have noticed and realized about whatever it is that's bothering me. For every conversation we make and as I listen to other people's questions were like having a background check result thrust at me without even asking it. And what benefits did I get?
It gave me the opportunity to know who they really were behind the jokes and the laughs.
The wisdom on things as I see it in their different point of views (a person need not experience things in order to learn).
The fact that I miss a lot of thing: firstly, when I was in manila and secondly, when I was in college
and lastly it's a secret....
it is surprising how people search for answers which are just right there in front of them waiting to be revealed. It made me think how people can be foolish at times to know the answers yet are just waiting to hear them from other people's mouths (guilty!). But I do admit lately when my spirit is down and there they were having snacks while exchanging ideas, it surges that hope that somehow those answers which I’ve always wanted to hear would come to me unexpectedly and everything would be ok.
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